Hey kids, I’m baaaacckkkkkkkkkkk and here to get you up to speed on everything you missed. [Don’t you worry, I’ve got all the dirt, or should I say sand.] Didn’t want to leave the beach to come back to The Day After Tomorrow, but since JG isn’t here to save the day, I guess I’ll step up to the plate.
MISSED CONNECTION: S writes that he looked across the dusty tomes on the 4th floor stacks in Diamond and felt the spark. After stalking you on LawNet L, S wants to let you know that he wanted to ask you to Barrister’s but thought that might be too “high school.” Dear S: haven’t you heard of Bar Review? P.S. It happens every Thursday… I’ve heard that alcohol always helps in these situations. Who knows? “She’s up all night for good fun, [you’re] up all night to get lucky.” Good luck… I mean we all know you need it.
LATE BREAKING NEWS: Spring break. Yes, that happened. Too bad winter didn’t get the memo, but those of us smart enough knew to get away. After all, the only thing better than living in NYC, is leaving NYC for a destination vacay. A, D, F, G, P, and everyone else in the Eurotrip crew, we get it, going abroad is cool. Can I say #FOMO? In the meantime, those of us in the islands on our holiday in the sun MK and Ash status said hey, hope you had fun in the rain. Jealous much—never! I don’t hate…I appreciate!
OVERHEARD: You, boy on the phone talking downstairs. Actually talking is putting it mildly. If you wanted to argue with your boyfriend, perhaps the lobby of JG is not the place to do it. Yes, everyone on the mezz was deeply invested in your eighteen minute long conversation. In fact, R was live tweeting the event. Look for the buzzfeed: “Girl Live Tweets One Sided Phone Fight.” In fact, although we now know all of your business, we don’t know what happened? Are you breaking up or moving in together? Inquiring minds want to know.
P, you’re running around talking about how you want to run for office. I’m sorry if you missed the memo, but most politicians are taller than 5’5”. You’re too short, let’s get real. Sorry to be a dream killer, but you should get a new dream. Perhaps assistant might be more on your wavelength. After all we all know that Fitz didn’t get to be the leader of the Free World and head of the Pryor family based on his brains. Duh, it’s because he’s 6’2”. #TeamJake
SPOTTED: Another fake student infiltrates Columbia. Yes, she doesn’t even go here. And zapping up prime table space up on the mezz. Not only did she take a boxed lunch, she also had the nerve to pass out on the table. I’m sorry, you don’t pay tuition. Stop hogging my space, and PSA: You snore and drool, perhaps you should do something about that.
D at Barrister’s on the hot mess express leaving from dysfunction junction. We know, we know. It’s not delivery, it’s de’struggle. B please. You need to take a long look at the [wo]man in the mirror. Have you looked at yourself lately? Didn’t you take economics? It’s simple math: Angelina Jolie doesn’t get with Jack Black. She gets with Brad Pitt. You can do way better girl! Pssttt…take the hint! Listen to my girl Bey, “Let me upgrade you.” The truth hurts…sorry, I’m not sorry.
Is any of this true? I’ll never tell. Did I make things up? You’ll never know. You know you love me.